:: Tensai Shoujo ::

:: Saturday, August 16, 2003 ::

well, here I go. I'm going to try posting again and see what happens. The last post, which did eventually show up on the main page, had some publishing errors and I couldn't figure out a way to fix them, and I was getting really pissed because it was a long post. Anyway...

So today I happened to go to Oekaki Central for the first time a couple of weeks. I'd been a member of the site since June of last year I think, but they had a problem recently where almost all of the accounts got deleted, so we were asked to reregister. Well, I did that back in July when that happened, but then neglected the account for a few days, which caused them to delete the account for inactivity, which I didn't realize. So I went to go back but my account was gone again. I thought I was being penalized until I read in the faq there that all accounts left inactive for five days are automatically removed. So I reregistered again and made sure to comment on someone's drawing so that the account would be safe until such a time as I could go and draw a picture. After the time that I registered, I decided to go check out the message board on the site. Well, there was a section for polls, and one of the polls was a virginity poll, meaning that it asked when members had given their virginity, or if they were still virgins. Of course the whole thing deteriorated into a discussion of sex and its purpose for humanity, plus people began taking religious stances and arguing about what was better, bla bla bla. It really got me to thinking about how attitudes change based on age and situation.

Let me give you a real life example, namely me. In the school systems, especially in middle school, they like to stress abstinence until marriage. I think most of it is the accepted curriculum, but at that impressionable age that sort of message can still hold some water. I looked at this message, and thought "yeah, I'm going to be a virgin until marriage because that's the smartest thing to do." And the way they teach it to you really makes it seem like it's the smartest path to take. I mean, there are no risks, either from diseases, or pregnancy -- at that age, both falling under the category of "unwanted side-effects." And so, based on what I was taught in school, I was making the good, intelligent, moral choice to wait to have sex. It was also the naive choice, and I ended up not following through on it.

My attitude now concerning sex is much different. In the years since I've been in middle school, I've learned quite a bit about the way things work in the real world, as opposed to the simplistic, sterilized world that kids in school are taught to understand. And yes, if you didn't know already from my often gleeful hints and innuendos, I have had sex myself ;D And because of this fact, I've come to a very important set of conclusions. In the first place, it's naive to believe that you can truly have a complete relationship with someone unless you're experiencing some form of physical intimacy with them. I'm not saying that you can't be in love with them without having been physically intimate, but the sexual aspect of the relationship is just as important as any other aspect towards the success of a relationship, and sexual incompatibility can be just as harmful and frustrating as philosophical or religious incompatibility. Why would you get married to someone without knowing a key aspect about them? It's not advisable, to say the least. If it's disease you're worried about, then I'd just like to say that there should be a level of trust in the relationship by the time you're having sex that you'd know that your partner was disease free, and both of you were getting tested so as to prevent the spread of disease. And what about pregnancy? Use birth control! Both condoms and the birth control pill have near 100% success rates for preventing pregnancy. The problem is that people often aren't taught to utilize these tools because they are given "abstinence only" education (in my case in high school, our health teacher wanted to teach us all to know how to put on a condom properly, but was blocked by the administration from doing so because it conflicted with the established "abstinence only" curriculum).

In the case of virginity for moral or religious reasons, the only thing that I, as a non-religious individual, can say about it is that it makes me feel sorry that there are beliefs that cause people to be at odds with their natural human tendencies. And along these lines, I would like to dispel a myth for those readers who may still be virgins. There was a point that I held sexual intercourse to be something almost beyond comprehension. When you carry the attitude that sex and your virginity are something so precious as to be almost untouchable, sex itself takes on a role as something almost magical, and unrealistic expectations develop. So when you finally get around to it, there might be the attitude like "this is it?" because there's really nothing magical about it. It's something natural and it feels great to do it with someone who you love, but it will not make you transcend the planes of existence like some people would have you believe.

My advice in short: don't go around banging everything that comes along, but realize that sex is just as important as anything else in a relationship, and it ultimately can be detrimental to the relationship if it turns out that the two people involved aren't sexually compatible.

Thanks for listening. That message board really got me fired up, mostly because it was dominated by a lot of fourteen year old girls who seemed to be taking "abstinence until marriage" stances without really seeming to fully grasp the entire issue of what they were talking about. I suppose most fourteen year olds are like that, but I don't really remember :D
:: Jessi 8/16/2003 10:46:00 PM [+] ::
...

Here I am again, after a long day at work, just chilling at home trying to shrug off a day's worth of lifting, standing in place, and crabbiness on the part of the people I'm hired to help. In other words, I have another exciting story about a shitty customer for you all. And by exciting, I mean not.

As I told Eric earlier, I think it was just a case of someone who came into the store in a bad mood and had made no effort to cheer up the entire day, so I had to bear the brunt of it all. It was a woman, quite tall (or at least taller than me), large build (by which I mean a Fatty McLardass) with greying hair which was way too long for her age. She had a lot of stuff in her cart, including two of those rather hefty plastic storage containers. I scanned those first, and then, because they were so big, I put them on the floor so that I wouldn't have to hold them in place, and then went for a bag so that I could scan and bag all the other items that this woman had (mostly bedding, pillowcases, that sort of thing.) She promptly made it clear that she was in a bad mood by snapping at me, "don't get a bag out, just put them in here," meaning the large bins. She grabbed the item that I was scanning and threw it in there. Fine. So I began scanning again, this time setting everything aside as I scanned so that I could put it away in her bin after I had totaled it all. Well, this obviously made her upset even more. "So what, you expect me to do this all myself, huh!" she crabbed at me. It was all I could do not to snap back at her, but I cheerfully replied that I planned to wait until I was done so that I could pack them all at once. Instead of wait for me to get done, she went and did it herself anyway. Fine, less work for me, heh heh :D The last, and most humorous, moment for me happened as she was paying. She was paying by credit card, and we have one of those keypads that the customer has to sign on now. So she signed on that, and then demanded her card back. Well, we have to verify the signatures, meaning that we have to match the signature on the card to the signed printout that come out after the customer signs on the pinpad. So I told her that she'd have to wait until I verified the signature, which made her visibly upset. Generally after that, I hold onto the card as the receipts are printing so that I can hand everything back at the same time, but this woman had the audacity to talk to me as if that were a stupid idea, "The card goes in my wallet and the receipt stays with the merchandise!" But I gave them all back at the same time anyway just to let her know who was the boss of the situation. She was still pissy as she left, but in my sweetest and kindest voice I told her thank you and to have a great day. So because I kept my cool the whole time while she was acting like a shitty grade schooler, I came out the winner, and I feel just great about it :D Sometimes it's the small victories that are the best.

Other than that, nothing really has been going on. I had a huge fight with my parents the other day, which was why my last entry was so weird. It's sort of hard to manage gracefully when your mother tells you that you have no reason to feel good about yourself and then comes at you so that you have to physically defend yourself. Ha ha, it's all so funny to me now. I'm the one with a future ahead of me, I have nothing to worry about.

I took a bath this morning instead of a shower because I had some more time than usual this morning. But I think the water was a little too hot. See, I got out of the tub, and instead of just being pink in the face from the heat, my face was sort of red with splotchy white parts, and I can only remember that happening one other time, when I went rollerblading and it was really hot out and I got overheated. It took me a long time to cool down too, even though I kept chugging water and running my hands and face under the cold faucet. So that was a little cause for concern, but after being at work for about 20 minutes I felt better. I'll remember not to take such a hot bath next time though. I mean, it was so hot in there that I was feeling sleepy from it, and I don't really know what that means but it's sort of creepy to me.

So my sister has struck again. She got her nose pierced. That's in addition to the four piercings in each ear, the navel piercing, and the tattoo on her right hip. I don't know what's up with her. Now she wants to get her tongue pierced. I hope she doesn't because I think it's going to be more misery than it's worth. I mean, it can make your tongue swell up so badly that you can't talk or eat solids, plus it's really bad for your teeth because the hardware clinks against it all the time. So I hope she makes the right decision but somehow I don't think that she will. She's pretty rebellious, I guess. I think that's only because of the people she hangs out with, though.

I browsed through some job listings at the U of M webpage, but nothing really seemed good. I mean, I need a different job, this is true, but I have such an odd class schedule this semester, plus I have to commute, and so it's difficult to find something that will fit my limited schedule without causing me to suffer a pay cut. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to keep looking this year. We'll see what happens.

Speaking of jobs, I talked to Eric on the phone the other day about just this subject. He always tells me that I have to go out and make an effort to look. I know that he really wants to help me, which is great, and he has to tell me the harsh truth about things. It's a hard pill to swallow, and sometimes I become resentful about it. I mean, I know that he's telling me what he does because he cares and wants me to go out and do something about my problems... but sometimes what I'd really like is for someone to just tell me that I'm worth something. I mean, especially after a day like Friday when I felt like nothing. Logically I want to feel greatful, but it's times like that when I feel alone and really very depressed, and so I end up feeling resentful in spite of others' motivation to help me. It's one thing to seek out help, it's quite another to just feel wanted and loved after a rough, horrible day.

Phew, life is getting more complex all the time. It makes me afraid of graduation.

Anyway, here's a funny link of the indefinite time period that I'll leave you with. As real as it may seem at first, it's only a humor site, so laugh at it rather than becoming offended by it. Enjoy.
:: Jessi 8/10/2003 09:28:00 PM [+] ::
...

I was going to write something here, and I was going to be really creative. But nothing will come. I feel like if I write anything right now, it'll come out sounding like some horrendous piece of depressed high school fiction, with the author as the tragic main character, suffering all the injustices life has to offer and being misunderstood by all. My life would be a broken mirror, and my tears would gather like a dark pool, my pain a solitary rose and the thorns my everlasting suffering in this plane of life.

But I wouldn't write anything like that.

Instead I would just write something funny. Comedy is easy when you know the formula. Maybe there would be a love triangle, and a silly contest, and someone or the other would be misunderstood, but the ending would be warm and happy and everyone would laugh, like the end of some Scooby Doo cartoon. The geeky nice guy would get the cute girl, the friends would stop fighting with each other and realize their mistakes. It would be paper thin, and yet still satisfying.

But I don't think that's right either.

Want to know my greatest fantasy? I would wish myself into a world of early humanity. The earlier days of civilization, living off of the land, trading with others and living with a close knit group of people. And I would have wings, large and white. I could run barefoot through the feather grasses of plains that still existed, and drink straight from streams, before they were ever contaminated. And love would forever be an undercurrent; I would always love and be loved and feel whole. I would fly for the feeling of the wind on my face, not to run away. I would be worthy.

If I wrote my own story, that's where I would be.
:: Jessi 8/08/2003 10:33:00 PM [+] ::
...

Phrases that I don't like to hear:

Jessi, I'm going to bed now so you're going to have to turn that down.

Oh, are you crabby today?

Are you tired? You should have gone to bed earlier.

Did you pick your clothes up off the floor?

They may seem like trivial things, but when your mother repeats them word for word almost every day, it gets sickening. I am going insane. I need to move out.
:: Jessi 8/05/2003 11:16:00 PM [+] ::
...

So I had this dream last night and I just woke up from it about five minutes ago, so I'm going to try and write as much of it down as I can before I forget it all.

Anyway, I suppose there's some intro to the dream required. There's a show called Haibane Renmei that we're watching in anime club, and to boil it all down to its basic elements, it's about a group of people called the Haibane who are born from cocoons and have gray wings and halos and live in a town with a wall around it, which they can't cross. In my dream, I was supposedly one of these Haibane, though we didn't live in such a town. We lived inside a walled-in compound with dark brown walls the color and texture of one of the tiles from Doom II, and we were under attack, or at least under heavy scrutiny from a bunch of human invaders. There was a Japanese man leading the invastion, and he walked into the door of the room I was in, and proceeded to transform into a bunch of wriggling yellow worms, sort of like the evil spirits in Princess Mononoke. With this evil man were these teenage triplets who were trained in the "evil eye" monitoring technique. If they came upon one of us at any time, they would somehow cause us to stop and their left eye would become large and yellow with a symbolic pattern inside, and we could feel as it scanned our soul's intent.

In the beginning, our forces were disorganized and unfocused, but eventually the Haibane began to group together with a single intent; to get out of the compound and to someplace free of tyrrany. We had some sort of plan, nothing that we had mentioned out loud, but something we could all feel in our hearts. I was grouped with a blonde girl, and we went to face the second in command of the invasion. We sat on carpeting in front of his large screen TV, and watched an anime all the way through. The man, as an act of domination, took a bowl, cracked some eggs in it, beat them, and then dumped them on me, messing up my dark colored sweatshirt. At the end of the series, as the man was distracted, the other Haibane and I took out our weapons, and began shooting down the invasion's robotic droids, avoiding as much scrutiny from the triplets as was possible as we made our way out of the compound and towards the meeting place outside.

This was my first time out of the compound, and with giant rockets flying overhead, I realized that this compound was on the moon, a moon altered by terraformation, with an atmosphere and greenery. But there was little time to gawk. Another Haibane joined us, and our group of three entered a rocket, and, with our equivalent of going "over the wall", we blasted off towards the Earth.

When I woke up, I was inside a house with bright sunlight filtering in through the window. My wings and halo were gone, and I was with the two others that had escaped with me. As my eyes adjusted, I saw that they were Eric and Jo! Because they were part of my life before becoming a Haibane, I didn't recognize them during my life as a Haibane, but back on Earth, I was overcome with a wave of pure joy. The first thing that I said to them was that I wanted painfully to go outside, where there was a playground. I practically begged them, though there was no reason to beg. We all went outside, and it was as if the beauty of the world had been revealed to me for the first time. There were children playing, and each of the houses skirting the green park where we were was perfect. It was then that I realized that, after the long years spent as a Haibane, I now remembered where I was from, and the place where we all needed to return.

The three of us raced around, looking for a map so that we could begin our return trip. It turned out that we had arrived in a small New York town, and the road home would be a long one, so we set off right away. But something had changed. Though we were all excited to go home, we made many stops as we walked, performing charitable acts, helping children, or just speaking with people. For that had been the lesson learned as Haibane; to share goodwill with others, and to make the world more beautiful and loving for everyone.

So that was my dream. I had to fill in a couple of places that didn't quite connect, but nothing major. It was a really great dream, and I'm glad I didn't wake up until 11am :D
:: Jessi 8/05/2003 12:14:00 PM [+] ::
...

Merry Brandybuck If I were a character in The Lord of the Rings, I would be Merry, Hobbit, heir of the Brandybucks and a friend of Frodo's. In the movie, I am played by Dominic Monaghan. Who would you be? Zovakware Lord of the Rings Test with Perseus Web Survey Software

:: Jessi 8/03/2003 11:55:00 PM [+] ::
...

LAYER ONE
last car ride: about an hour ago when my dad and sister picked me up from Eric's new place
last romantic kiss: today, saying goodbye to Eric
last good cry: Sometime last month I had a good loud cleansing cry at Eric's house. To tell you the truth, I haven't really felt the need to do any hardcore crying since then, so maybe that's good.
last movie seen: In the theater it was Pirates of the Caribbean which was a really fun movie.
last book read: well, I'm in the process of reading The Plains of Passage which is the third sequel to Clan of the Cave Bear. It's very interesting reading because the novels take place during the time when both modern humans and Neanderthals existed, during the last ice age. The author did extensive research into how people would have survived during that time, and so the descriptions of both the surroundings and they things that humans did for food, clothing, shelter and culture are all very vivid.
last beverage drank: water
last food consumed: I had some "Nori Ten" which is basically Seaweed fried with batter and flavored with wasabi horseradish flavoring. Probably not the best thing to have eaten before bed...
last crush: I had kind of a crush on Elijah Wood for a couple of weeks until I found out that he was a chain smoker, so that ended pretty quickly.
last phone call: My dad, calling to tell me that he was waiting outside Eric's place
last tv show watched: To tell you the truth, I don't really remember. I would have watched TV at Eric's place, but he doesn't have cable yet and the TV reception in the basement is pretty crappy so we couldn't watch anything.
last time showered: this morning
last shoes worn: white sequined flip-flops from Target
last cd played: I think it was probably the Final Fantasy 4 OST
last song downloaded: I downloaded the Actraiser orchestrated album yesterday, which is really, really awesome, but only about a half an hour long, so I was happy and disappointed about it at the same time.
last annoyance: lol so there was this guy at the thing I went to today who was drunk and loud and it was pretty annoying
last disappointment: well, I can't think of anything specific, so they must not have been very big disappointments.
last soda drank: pepsi
last word written: pepsi
last key used: The keys to the service desk at Target
last word spoken: I was arguing with my sister about something, so it was probably "shutup" or something equally exciting.
last sleep: last night, from about 1:30 or so until about 11:00 the next morning, but with a lot of tossing and turning because both Eric and I were sort of not sleeping well.
last IMs: to Brian and Eric after I got home
last time wanting to die: some time in high school.
last time in love: Right now, of course :D
last time hugged: today Eric hugged me a few times
last chair sat in: This computer chair right here
last bra worn: I wore a pink iridescent one yesterday, and today I just wore a tank top that has kind of a built in bra-like construction
last shirt worn: I'm wearing a T shirt right now that I just wear as pajamas
last time dancing: I don't dance
last poster looked at: any of the zillion that Eric has in his room


LAYER TWO
name: Jessi Silver
birthday: November 27th
eye color: brown and green
hair color: brown
height: 5' 6"
righty or lefty: righty
zodiac sign: saggittarius


LAYER THREE
the shoes you wore today: white flip flops
your weakness: not being able to voice what I really want, or even always know what it is in the first place.
your fears: ending up like my parents (not being happy)
your perfect pizza: I like crazy vegetarian pizzas, with interesting things like sun dried tomatoes and artichoke hearts on them
goal you'd like to achieve: well, to this point I've sort of kept it secret, but my goal is to someday write fantasy novels


LAYER FOUR
your most overused phrase/words: lately I've used "gosh" a lot for some reason. Usually I swear up a storm, but not so much lately.
your first thoughts waking up this morning: "I'm nervous"
your best physical feature: I couldn't tell you, but Eric says that I have nice eyes and lips
your best internal feature: I like to think about things a lot


LAYER FIVE
pepsi or coke: coke
mcdonald's or burger king: Quizno's
single or group dates: See, the thing is, I've never really dated casually. Meaning that I've never gone out with someone with whom I was unfamiliar, I've always gotten to know them first and then taken it the next step. So I guess it doesn't really matter, because dates usually come after already being together, so whether we're out with just each other or our friends too, it doesn't really make much difference.
adidas or nike: laaaaame
lipton ice tea or nestea: Lipton Green Tea
chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
cappuccino or coffee: I don't really drink much coffee to begin with, and when I do, it's usually in some dressed up frappacino form



LAYER SIX
smoke: I've never smoked
curse: I do a lot
sing: I used to, but I've gotten self conscious of my voice lately
take a shower everyday: yeah, because my hair tends to get pretty greasy if I don't
have a crush(es): well, doesn't everyone? Usually they're just harmless movie star celeb crushes.
do you think you've been in love: yes
like high school: well, there were plenty of social aspects that I liked, but most of the classes were either worthless or nightmares
want to get married: yes, but sometime after I've graduated thanks
believe in yourself: if you mean this as a self esteem thing, then sometimes not so much, but I do try, and lately I think it's been getting better.
think you're attractive: there are some times when I really feel like I'm attractive, and then there are those times when I just feel crappy about myself
think you're a health freak: no, but I need to get more exercise
get along with your parents: most of the time I do, if only because I try to stay away from them and I usually don't talk much around them
play an instrument: I used to play the flute a lot

LAYER SEVEN
in the past month have you...
drank alcohol: I tasted some of Jill's margarita, but that's it
smoked: nope
done any drug: nope
had sex: yes
made out: yes
gone to the mall?: a couple of times
eaten an entire box of Oreos: no, that's gross
eaten sushi: I really, really want to, but good sushi costs money that I need to be saving right now
been on stage: hell no
gone skating: no
made homemade cookies: no, I just haven't been in cooking mode much
gone skinny dipping: no
dyed your hair: no


LAYER EIGHT
have you ever..
played a game that required removal of clothing: lol no
if so, was it mixed company: not applicable
been trashed or extremely intoxicated: no
been called a tease: yes
gotten beaten up: no
shoplifted: no
changed who you were to fit in: I have done that, yes. More like it sort of naturally happens when I'm amongst different groups of people

-------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you Marni for that interesting survey.

So today I went to Eric's grandfather's 70th birthday party which was being held in a boat on Lake Minnetonka. It was pretty fun, though a little crowded at first for my taste. I have trouble with large groups of people because I begin to feel overwhelmed and it's exhausting. After a while we settled in at a table with Eric's Uncle Pete and Aunt Beth, who are really funny, nice people. The scenery around the lake was really beautiful because of all the ritzy houses there, and the weather was just great, nice and sunny with a breeze on the lake.

So the day was pretty interesting. I got to spend a little time with Eric's family, and his little brother Max is like the biggest pervert ever. I was in stitches the whole time, much to Eric's chagrin. I mean c'mon, my sense of humor hasn't changed much in ten years :D I also spent a lot of time at Eric's new place on Saturday helping him put stuff away and set up his room. That was interesting, though I didn't really help too much because I think Eric wanted to do it a certain way to his liking. It turned out looking really nice in the end.

Gosh, I suddenly got real tired, so I think this is it for right now. He he.
:: Jessi 8/03/2003 11:44:00 PM [+] ::
...