:: Tensai Shoujo ::

:: Tuesday, December 30, 2003 ::

So I took this marriage poll thing just now. I don't necessarily know what the stance of the organization is that gave the poll. From their name they kind of sound like an anti-gay marriage thing, but that of course didn't sway the fact that I believe in gay rights to the fullest, so I checked the "I'm for gay marriage" box. I mean really, it seems obvious to me. But then again, I am fairly liberal.

I had a long talk with Marni tonight. Well, online that is. We both realized that we like talking to each other a lot, but that we don't do it enough. I don't think I talked to her more than a couple times over the entire semester, though a lot of it was just being around online at the same time. But we were both busy and stuff with school also. Anyway, it was good. I told her a few things about myself that I don't think I've really told anyone. I mean, it wasn't necessarily secret stuff, but it was just a few facts that I don't think a lot of people may have paid attention to. But I feel more settled after talking with her. I feel that I can work on my private little projects and be satisfied by just those for the time being without having to cast my gaze into the far future. The future itself seems to be becoming a bit clearer for me now anyway. I think that, at least for the moment, I want to try working on my writing. I know that's a hard way to make a living, and it may very well never pan out because I don't claim to be the best or the most exciting writer around, but I find myself drawn to it more and more, and with encouragement from friends lately, I feel like it could be something to make me happy. In fact, I know that it could be something that would make me happy if I could make a career of it. Jessi the fantasy novelist.

I went to see RotK for the third time with Brian today. My sister was going to come but I didn't get a hold of her and she tried calling me but I didn't get the message in time :( So we might go see it together later in the week. It was just as good, though I was sort of pissed off by a few circumstances today so I wasn't as emotionally pure for it. Afterwards we went out to eat at the Chinese buffet and I talked about said circumstances, which got me riled up for a while but talking them through with Marni afterwards helped. Sometimes I feel like a slave to my emotions, but I keep trying to see the positive side to it all. Like, I don't know, I see plenty of people who won't allow themselves to experience the full range of all they're capable of feeling, and it makes me sad. I mean, there's something to be said about staying stable, but there are times when it's just better to feel how your mind wants you to feel, because denial would be all the more harmful. I've also been told that I worry too much. I don't necessarily think "worry" is the right word anymore. I tend to think about things that not many others would want to or know to think about. It's weird, sometimes when things are boring, like if I'm riding in the car or on the bus, I'll start to consider that human lifetimes are so short, and every person's life, though monumental to themselves, really doesn't amount to much more than a speck in the scheme of the universe. It's all sort of cliche stuff, but sometimes I like to focus on it, and it's both frightening and comforting. On the one hand, I could die any minute and it wouldn't screw things up very much because I'm a very, very small piece of the whole. But on the other hand, it becomes obvious that maybe my problems aren't that bad, because whatever happens to me, I'm but one in a continuum of humanity trying to make my way the best that I can, just like everyone else.

Sometimes things like this bring me to thoughts of the afterlife. As in whether I believe there is one or not. In one of the more recent surveys I filled out, there was a question "do you believe in heaven or hell?" and I checked no, because I'm not sure that I really believe in a categorization like that. I feel like "heaven and hell" are situations people create for themselves in life by actions they make in life, whether by being kind and loving, or hateful and mean. But the idea of an "afterlife" still intrigues me. I read an essay about this subject which I found quite interesting, though I may or may not agree with what the author had to say. The author's interpretation of the afterlife was as a resting place between different lives; a place where the soul could incorporate the lessons it had learned in its last life before progressing to its next life. This is probably most similar to the Neo-Pagan idea of the "Summerlands" as such a place for the soul to rest in between lives. This author also suggested that each life had a preordained purpose, and that the person experiencing that life would be fated to become a certain type of person in order to learn the life lessons stemming from each type of life. Thus each soul would eventually experience everything from living a life of luxury, to one of poverty, and everything in between. I don't know if I necessarily agree with it all, but after thinking about it a while, I found it to be quite a beautiful interpretation of such a controversial subject, and one which didn't condemn a person to an afterlife of eternal pain or eternal pleasure. We are all capable of great good and great evil. I for one know that I grapple with the impulses to say really awful things to people, but I also try to put forth my best foot in spite of these impulses. If I had been raised another way, or lived a different life, I may have become a much more hateful and uncaring person, but should I have been condemned for eternity based on the unfortunate circumstances of my particular environment? Some people have the strength to go against that kind of bad influence, but not everyone can. It's that reason why i don't subscribe to the "heaven and hell" camp; some people just aren't allowed to live up to their potential as good people.

So that's the kind of thing I like to think about sometimes, and it doesn't make me "weird" or a "worrywart" or anything like that, it's just a byproduct of being a creative and emotional human being.

Well, after all that, I have some extra special news. So my sister came into my room at about 11pm and asked if I wanted to go help her run an errand. She wouldn't tell me what it was, so I was getting kind of pissed off at her, but she insisted that I go, so i got up and put my coat on to walk outside. Well, once I left the garage, I noticed a strange car parked in the driveway. My sister and I got a car! So that makes things a whole lot easier in terms of rides and whatnot, and I'm really happy about it. It's motivation for me to get my license :D

Lol, I always write such interesting posts when I should really be in bed sleeping, oopsies :D
:: Jessi 12/30/2003 12:43:00 AM [+] ::
...

So I had this other crazy dream last night, as a result of getting enough sleep again. It was crazy in the fact that it was a cosplay dream. Yes, you heard me, a cosplay dream. I dreamt that I was dressed as some anime character, and was going somewhere as a result of that. I met with a bunch of people at Jo's house and we were all dressed up. Then Jill showed up dressed as a random anime schoolgirl, and she was sad because she'd had a fight with someone. So we all went to my house in costume, and my sister was working on some really awesome mecha Mario costume made out of foam she was baking. Wacky.

Well, I just wanted to write that down before I forgot about it, it's breakfast time for me now :D
:: Jessi 12/29/2003 10:47:00 AM [+] ::
...

HEE HEE!
:: Jessi 12/29/2003 10:38:00 AM [+] ::
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Wow, so as of right now, it's 1am, and for once... I'm not tired. Yeah, you heard that folks, I'm up late and not tired. And why is that? Because I got enough sleep last night. Holy crap, what's the world coming to?

I just remembered that I had some interesting dreams last night as a result of sleeping for a long time. One of them was so funny that I can't talk about it here. But the others were just weird so I'll let you know. In one of them, Lady Galadriel from Lord of the Rings was sitting with me in my room, and we were making paper fans shaped like colorful butterflies and she was laughing a wonderful laugh as only super-ancient elves can. In the other dream, Adam and I were eating Chinese food in the Dinkydome. Yes, that was the extent of the dream. :D

Bah, I'm totally bored and I don't really want to write much right now. I spent a time in the morning writing on my Dragonia myth thing. I find that even though it's a first draft, I find myself editing it a lot as I go, when what I meant to do was to just slap it all down and send it to a couple trusted friends for some early help. Well, sometimes things just don't go according to plan. It's okay though.

Well, I have to make sure I make myself sleep, because I'm going to go see RotK tomorrow with Brian and I'd like to be awake for it :D Not that I could ever fall asleep during such a flippin' awesome film :D nighty night everyone.
:: Jessi 12/29/2003 01:31:00 AM [+] ::
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I don't have much time, since I took time out of my pre-work schedule to sit around in the bathtub and read. I thought I'd just write really quick about Jenny's house so you could all hear about it.

Well, I was riding with Brian and Marni, and we got to Jenny's sometime lik 5:45 or so. David and Mikel were already there, we were just waiting for the third car containing Chris, Jason and Mike. So we waited. And waited. We ended up calling them about 5 times, because they somehow got "lost" on the way over. Didn't find out until much later though that they were drinking :P He he. Anyway, they showed up after we'd had dinner and we played a few games of darts. Then some of the gang made a run to the liquor store while me, Brian, and Chris chilled and listened to CDs. Then the gang got back with the goods and we sat around talking and laughing and drinking. I had a beer, then a couple swigs of some Mentholmint stuff Jason had bought, which was sort of like mouthwash-tasting (in a tolerable way). Then Marni made me a little concoction that she was drinking of root beer and vodka... interesting. Not bad or good I would say, just kind of weird. Then about six of us, including me, began a game of darts which was going okay until we started sipping off the rum... at that point I wasn't hitting the board much anymore, just the wall. I ended up having a conversation about Lord of the Rings, and then I sort of wandered out of the room to the bedroom where Marni was talking on the phone with her boyfriend. I sat down near her and was sort of yelling stuff to her boyfriend, but I think she still had to convey the message to him anyway. Then after that we just started playing catch up; I hadn't talked to Jason in a couple years, so he talked for a while about what he was up to and I asked him about a few people who I thought he might know about. Pretty interesting. Then I was talking to Chris about relationships; he's in a super-long-distance relationship at the moment, but they're serious about it. He talked about how, because of the nature of their relationship, they've had to make a lot of choices to commit to each other even though they don't see each other much. I think that's probably true for any more "conventional" relationship also, it's just different specific circumstances. Anway, that was cool and we all talked and ranted about personal things and took comfort in the fact that we were around people who we knew and cared about, and who cared about our well-being also.

We ended up not getting to bed until about 5:30. In spite of that, I was up and in the shower around 10:30 and we had breakfast, then shortly after that had lunch. Then Mike, Jason and Chris left and the six of us remaining listened to piano music and played with Jenny's computer a little bit. We played a couple more dart games, then decided to go to the coffee shop, but when we went it was closed, so we got back and decided to leave after that. Good times. On the way home we were going like 80 miles per hour but David and Mikel still lost us :(

After that we went to my house for a bit, then went to Caribou. Then we dropped Marni off and brought my dance pad to Brian's so that we could play two player DDR on his new PS2. That was fun. Better then Stepmania, though Stepmania is really good for a free program. I had dinner over there and then we played a little more before I went home. I really hadn't got much sleep at all the past couple of days :D

So that was about it, I think. After I got home I just did my normal stuff, wrote here and talked to a couple of people online. I talked to Staci for a while about her boyfriend and stuff. She sounds really happy and that makes me happy. She's got a nice boyfriend who seems really genuine, and that's always a good thing to have. We talked about my *top secret* crush :D He he, because I know you all care and whatever. Mustn't get hopes up.

Anyway, I have to leave for work like right now, but I should be home at a reasonable time and I'll write more interesting things for you all to read :) Later
:: Jessi 12/28/2003 01:16:00 PM [+] ::
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Hi everyone, back from Jenny's house. I bet you want to hear about all the fun stuff we did. Well, before that, in the tradition of everyone else I know, I'll let you in on all the fun stuff that I got for Christmas.

I got lots of clothing, most notably character Tshirts. I got one with a goomba on it which is orange, a grey and green ringer Tshirt with Luigi on the front, a Fraggle Rock long-sleeved shirt, a Stinkoman shirt and Teen Girl Squad shirt from Homestar Runner.com. I also got a couple of dressier shirts and a couple pairs of nice jeans, since I always need some nice jeans. I got two gift cards, one for Target and another for Hot Topic. The Target one I want to put towards a video game, possibly Zelda for Game Cube, and my mom has a raincheck for another game that she meant to get but it wasn't in, Mario Advance 4: Super Mario 3. Speaking of games, I got Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga for GBA, and it's super fun. I'm all about the Mario these days :D

As for other stuff, I got a nice calligraphy set, with some pen nibs and lots of nice ink colors and an instruction booklet. I also got a little Red Fraggle plushie, which is like awesome, I'm so glad that Fraggle Rock is back in again (I can only hope they'll release it to DVD in this country eventually). I also got some nice pens and mechanical pencils, which I can always use more of, and some new shoes (which I helped pick out) and a new cordless phone (I had a cute Hello Kitty phone, but it wasn't cordless so I couldn't talk and be on the computer at the same time). I got a little packet of Bath and Body Works stuff in Sweet Pea scent, one of my favorites. It has lotion, shower gel and bubble bath, along with a bar of soap, very nice. My dad got me a CD of flute music from around the world, which was cool and unexpected, and I got a Star Trek Calendar from my Grandpa. My mom gave me a set of some Hello Kitty stuff, including a purse, a checkbook holder and a wallet, and also a Hello Kitty hat which is hilarious. I wear it all the time. oh, and I got an MP3 player, which I didn't expect either, but it's a cool present. It's a Nomad MuVo, with 128mb of room for songs and files. Neat :D The best thing though was my DDR dance pads, so now I can hook it up to my computer and stuff and practice DDR all the time, ha ha. Physical fitness, here I come! :D

Well, I think I'm gonna have to go to bed now, since I got very little sleep last night, and didn't have a nap today and played DDR on top of that for a couple hours. Sooo sleepy. Before I leave, I'll direct you over to Brian's page so that you can see a hilarious picture we encountered today at Jenny's house. hee hee ^_^ Goooooood night, everybody.
:: Jessi 12/27/2003 11:39:00 PM [+] ::
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Hi all, I don't really have too much time to write anything, I have to go to work in about five minutes :( How was everyone's Christmas. Mine was okay. I got some nice things and everything. For some reason I just wasn't into it though. Like, for me anyway, holidays are more than just the presents or the food, and I know that sounds cliche, but I just cant reduce it to those simplistic things anymore. For me, it's those things, in addition to the people with whom you share the holiday and the sentiments. I love my family, but this year it just wasn't enough for me, which is sad, because they probably should be. I don't know. I just started to feel drained and empty yesterday, like the trouble wasn't worth it and all the presents were just tokens to cover up just how depressed everyone really was. Bah, now I'm ruining everyone's fun -_-; this is what happens when I don't get enough sleep and have to get up and work in the morning, heh.

Well, anyway, I don't know how much more will be written today, because I'm going to spend the night at Jenny's with some of my friends. So I hope everyone had a happy holiday, and check back later tomorrow to see if I've written any more :D
:: Jessi 12/26/2003 07:15:00 AM [+] ::
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Hey guys, just a quick thing here because I have to work today (It's christmas eve, for cryin' out loud :(...) I was trying to find a new template for my blog, but all of the cool ones I find all involve images. Not that it would be a problem, but I don't really have a convenient place to host the images. So for Christmas, I was hoping one of you fine people would help me come up with a cool text-based template so that I could finally have a change. After all, it's been like a year since I started this and it's time for a change. Better yet, maybe one of you could hooks me up with a LiveJournal code :) Maybe that's asking a lot though, he he. Anyway, I might write more later, I don't know yet because there are still my Christmas cards I want to finish and the myth to go along with them, so I may be too busy to write. I sure hope I'm not though. Wish me luck at work. It'll just be dumbass guys buying last minute crap anyway, like lingerie and jewelry :D
:: Jessi 12/24/2003 10:28:00 AM [+] ::
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Well, I went to dinner, Marni and Staci showed up and we had a good time, though I felt this weird undertone of... something. I can't quite put my finger on it, I just had an uneasiness. I felt like I couldn't be completely truthful or open at that particular moment, and I can't figure out why. Hmm. Well, the food was good and I laughed a lot.

I'm at home now of course. I've been writing a bit today, trying to come up with a mythology for the world of my dragon characters and it's going okay. I also began coming up with a rudimentary ancient language for it earlier in the semester. I found out that someone else had already had that idea earlier than I did, and I almost quit because I felt like people would have seen it as copying even though it was just a dumb coincidence. But I'm not going to quit. I'm going to put my best effort into being comprehensive, so then I won't always be thinking that I was second rate or a copycat, because I'm better than that.

I read this and I thought it was sort of poignant. You should go read it too.

'Night.
:: Jessi 12/23/2003 12:17:00 AM [+] ::
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Found a secret earlier today. It didn't bother me as much as it would have maybe three weeks ago, but I was sort of upset about a couple things. Like the fact that there are people who think I'm some sort of psycho, and the fact that my friend probably knew what was going on way before I did. I'm always the last to know, I guess. There was a last little fizzle of rage that came and went in about 30 seconds, but it was gone before I had time to think about it much, and that's good.

Talked to Eric for a while about my top secret crush and he gave me a little advice and made me at least think that it might be more than just a silly crush, but I don't know. Suddenly I find myself so confused by these sorts of things, and I don't know why. I think maybe I thought somewhere deep inside that I wouldn't have to deal with it again, and so I just didn't retain the skills I once had. Or maybe there weren't any skills to begin with, and I was just lucky the whole time :D Ha ha. I guess it's hard just not knowing pretty much how the other person feels, it's a huge risk and risks really aren't my forte as you all probably know. At least I'm good-looking :D

I think Brian and I are going to dinner soon, so maybe I'll write more later. Not gonna let this window stay open for two days like last time.
:: Jessi 12/22/2003 05:46:00 PM [+] ::
...

The tempest is blowing out, the clouds are beginning to dissipate, and the sun rises once again, parting the deep blackness of the starless night.

In other words, I'm doing just fine, thanks XD
:: Jessi 12/22/2003 01:47:00 PM [+] ::
...

Blah, I worked all morning today, and now I'm tired. Boo hoo. Well, at least I'm making money. I worked in the cash office this morning, and that was okay. I'm still not very good at it, it takes me like six hours whereas the more experienced people take about four, but I'm getting better. I was 20 minutes or so faster than last time :) It was crazy though. Like, my dad told me that he read somewhere that it's actually the Saturday before Christmas, as opposed to the day after Thanksgiving, which is the busiest shopping day for a lot of places, well, if the money from Friday is any indication, then today probably will be the busiest. I deposited something like 44 thousand dollars in cash, and 46 thousand dollars in checks, which is waaaay more than usual. I don't know how much total business the store did, but it's probably a whole lot. Anyway, so I had my work cut out for me today, but I was only off like 65 dollars on my count, which is waaay better than last time. So I must be getting better :D

So, I bet you all really want to hear my review of Return of the King, right? Okay, I'll give you one. I had kind of wished I'd gotten a chance to see it again, but really it's just too busy right now and I don't think I'd get into a showing. So I'll do what I can with what I remember :D

I'll begin by saying that Return of the King the novel is the one of the trilogy that I least remember, so I feel like I'm not biased towards the book and I didn't really end up being nitpicky, which is probably a good thing (actually, it's a great thing, because right after the film ended, these wieners in front of us started talking about how it wasn't like the book and bla bla bla, and I wanted to hit them.) It's not that I don't totally love the book, in fact it was one of the best I've read, but I think a lot of people get sort of obsessed with things being completely and utterly faithful to the book, and don't realize that film is a largely different format which often requires changes for pacing and all that sort of thing. Aanyway, I'm not going to spend time comparing it to the book, because my memories of it aren't fresh enough and I don't think that's really the path to take when watching films.

SPOILERS AHEAD

I had anticipated the opening beforehand through the reading I'd done about the movie this year. The first couple of minutes show how Gollum came to posses the Ring of Power, and it's pretty cool. Not nearly as intense as the opening to The Two Towers, but still very good and a unique way to start. I guess they were planning to incorporate it at some point in The Two Towers, but I think it worked better this way. Aside from that, the entire opening of the movie plods along at a pretty slow pace, and I was wondering whether it was going to pick up for a while (well, from knowing the story already I was pretty sure that it would) but I'd say one of the "weaknesses" of the film is that it spends a lot of time near the beginning in a fairly neutral zone between being explanatory and being action-oriented, but there is in fact a lot of story to set up and I really don't have any idea about how it could have been done much better.

The latter portions contrast greatly, with a lot of very quick editing between the different storylines taking place. We never run the risk of spending too much time watching Sam, Frodo and Gollum, or forgetting what is going on in the other storylines, which might be considered both an improvement and a non-improvement over The Two Towers. I felt I might have been denied more emotional attachment because the locales were zipping back and forth every few minutes, whereas in the previous film, I think the pacing was done very well. However, this problem diminishes after a while, and is really a minor quibble to begin with.

I did, as I expected, love pretty much everything about this movie. The story is absolutely incredible, and the filmmakers made the most of it. There's plenty of action - The battle of Pellennor Fields is just, wow, awesome and spectacular, and yet not overdone, which is something I can't quite explain. There's also great emotional drama - Samwise will make your tears flow at every opportunity, I swear to you he's probably the most moving character in the entire film. Even though I knew the ending of the book, I was still in suspense over whether the hobbits would complete their quest or not, and to me that constitutes good film making.

I guess I really don't have as much to say as I thought I might, and I think just seeing the movie speaks for itself. Yeah, not everyone is going to like Peter Jackson's camera work, and not everyone will think the story is as grand as I make it out to be, but for me it was a deeply emotional experience, a culmination of an entire year of anticipation, and it was well worth the wait.

END SPOILERS

****note, I left this blog window open for more than a day, so this is really a multi-day post, just so you know****

So last night Marni, Brian and I hung out. First we went to Brian's house for some more mad DDR action, and I realized that one really shouldn't play DDR three days in a row. I'm still sore from it. Then we went to Wal-mart because it was late and we had nothing better to do. Marni predicted that her parents would be there, and lo and behold we saw her mom not five minutes after we got to the store. It was pretty funny. After walking around the store, we decided to go to the grocery store and find some snacks because we were getting hungry. Once we got there, I really wanted to look at the nummy gourmet cheeses, and so we went to the little refridgerated case by the deli. They had wedges of brie for $2.50. I don't know if that was a good price or not, but I grabbed some. Brian got some kind of cheese with jalapenos in it, and then we got some crackers and I got some potato chips. Our crowning purchase was a Cosmopolitan magazine, bought for the express purpose of bringing it back to Marni's so that we could read the sex articles.

We made our purchases and left to go back to Marni's. Once there, we ate our cheese with apple juice, and read all the juicy articles in the Cosmo. They were funny and stuff; they also reminded me how much I like sex and how much I miss it -_-; But the best part was the one about ten questions women were asking about sex. One of them was something like "how do I do the 'woman on top' position?" and I just had to laugh. Isn't it self-explanatory? Ha ha, anyway.

I started falling asleep around 2am, so it was time to go. I didn't actually get to sleep until after 3am, which was bad because it gave me less than 8 hours to sleep, and I was disappointed in myself, but I had a fun night anyway.

Today, I learned how versatile hot sauce can be. I've had hot sauce since I decided to make guacamole like a month ago, and I decided to experiment with it today. I put it on cheesy rice and mushroom chicken microwave stuff, and it was tasty. It's also tasty on Terra brand veggie chips. Nummy :D Tomorrow maybe I'll try it on breakfast, as long as it isn't flavored oatmeal or breakfast cereal, eeeew!

I was talking to David at more than one point, and he mentioned some younger girl at school who has a thing for him, and even though he doesn't think he'd date her, he said that it's nice to have a 'fan.' I think that I really need to have a fan. Not someone I'd date maybe, but someone who thought that I was something special, someone who thought I was a really cool person. I mean, what a great ego-booster :D Ha ha.

Well, just so I don't leave you with nothing, here's another of those surveys I found on Marni's blog. Enjoy :D

End of the Year Survey

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before? Ummm, hmmm, man, I can't think of anything at the moment, to tell you the truth.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I never really remember what my resolutions are, which probably makes them a lot less successful than they could be. I think I probably made one to be a happier person, and I've kept that for the most part. I think my next year's resolution will be to get more exercise and look really hot :D

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? nope

4. Did anyone close to you die? nope

5. What countries did you visit? no other ones, except maybe inside my mind

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003? stability

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? December 1st, it was kind of a crappy day

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? finishing my damn fall semester finals, as shitty as they might have turned out to be

9. What was your biggest failure? falling victim to the kind of petty emotional traps that I make fun of other people for falling into.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had the flu bad bad bad back in like January, but other than that, just stuff stemming from being depressed and not eating.

11. What was the best thing you bought? my ticket to Return of the King

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My sister's

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? ahem, right...

14. Where did most of your money go? tuition

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Return of the King, love

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2003?
Santiago - Loreena McKennitt
Hey Ya - Outkast

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? neutral. I've been happier and sadder lately
ii. thinner or fatter? maybe thinner, but I don't keep track
iii. richer or poorer? neither

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? de-stressing

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? getting on peoples' cases

20. How will you be spending Christmas? at home with the family, opening presents Christmas day and having a nice dinner.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003? Yes

23. How many one-night stands? none

24. What was your favorite TV program? Iron Chef

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? not hate, just disappointed in - Right on, Marni

26. What was the best book you read? I'm reading Return of the King again now that I saw the movie

27. What was your greatest musical discoveries? lol, I 'discovered' I have 5 GB worth of video game soundtracks on my computer

28. What did you want and get? a Gamecube, Two Towers Extended DVD

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Return of the King

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 22 this year, and I sat at home not doing much because it was Thanksgiving

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? lol, any way I phrase it makes me sound like a jackass, so I'm just going to leave this one

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003? 80's retro pop culture

34. What kept you sane? David, Megan, Jessie, Jill, many others

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I had a small thing for Elijah Wood early in the year

36. What political issue stirred you the most? people whining about gay marriage unraveling society's fabric. Grrr....

37. Who did you miss? David, when he's in Chicago

38. Who was the best new person you met? Umm, Mike from Japanese class is a funny guy

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003: Always tune your radar

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "And all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you"

MAGIC PANTS
:: Jessi 12/21/2003 11:23:00 PM [+] ::
...

What's up guys? So I said that I was going to write about Return of the King but that will have to wait another little bit because I have to go to sleep soon and I'd rather write about my nifty last couple of days that were super fun.

Well, yesterday at about 9pm I went over to David's house because he, Brian and I were planning a little DDR get-together sleepover thing. So we all met and went to the grocery store to pick up snacks, and ended up also with a six-pack of some tasty Mike's hard Iced Tea :) Then we went to the video store and rented the Jackass movie. When we got back to his place, we hooked up the DDR stuff and once we got it all worked out and hooked up correctly, we played that for a while. This was after we'd each had something to drink. So it was a slightly-intoxicated verson of DDR, which basically meant that Brian and I were making sexual jokes the whole time. It didn't seem to affect my playing though. Actually, I did better than I'd ever done, even on songs that I thought were above my level of playing. So that was pretty cool. After playing for a while, we slapped in the movie... it was so damn funny, I don't even want to talk about it. I giggled hard core throughout the whole thing, and it was like "LOL" or something like that. After watching all the extras, we went to sleep, and I had some weird dream about the mississippi river then woke up at about 2pm.

After that, we played more DDR, then Jill called because we were planning to get together. So she came and hung with us while we played for a little while, then she and I went back to my place so I could take a shower (since I was super sweaty). We went out to eat at a Thai restaurant in Osseo, which was really good, and I brought a lot home since the portions were so big I couldn't manage it all at one sitting :) Then we went back to her house, had a couple of drinks and then played Tetris and Mario Kart before getting into a big chatfest about life and stuff. Really cool and fun, hilarious and frustrating and therapeutic. Then we watched a couple eps of South Park and now I'm back here typing. My body aches from DDR, but I'm feeling great.

So I decided that I'm really going to seriously do some exercises this break, so that I will look good and feel healthy by the time I get back to school in January. DDR for my cardiovascular health and to burn calories from Christmas treats and all that, and then some situps and stuff like that to build some lean muscle. Hopefully my eating for the most part won't be too unhealthy. I think denying onesself tasty food at the holidays is a poor policy, but balancing it with good stuff is a reasonable and healthy expectation, and that way one won't feel deprived. So I really hope I have the will power to do this (DDR is fun and so I don't think keeping up with that will be an issue).

Well, I've been up for less than 12 hours today, but it's been an active 12 hours, so my bed beckons to me. That and I have to work at an ungodly hour tomorrow... but I keep telling myself that it's better than being unemployed :D Laters.
:: Jessi 12/20/2003 12:37:00 AM [+] ::
...

Whoo, so I'm about to leave for work. Just wanted to tell everyone to look for my review of Return of the King hopefully sometime today (I have been saying that about Mario Kart for a couple weeks now though, so we'll see). Oh my god, I'm thinking about it right now and the tears threaten to come. In a good way :D. So yeah, I just have to go to work, then go to school and drop off my Japanese CDs, and then I'll come home and try to do that quick later. Probably around 3:30 or something. Be aware, there may be spoilers, so if you haven't seen it yet maybe it would be a good idea to be careful... I'll try to have it blatantly marked so that you can avoid them.

Anyway, talk to everyone later.
:: Jessi 12/18/2003 07:44:00 AM [+] ::
...

Full name: Jessica Lynn Silver
Nicknames: Jessi, Jess, Cecil
Age: 22
Grade: Senior
GPA: 3.something
Sex: Female
Birthday: November 27th
Zodiac sign: Sagittarius
Hospital where you were born: Unity
Location: Right now? Blaine
Height: 5'6"
Hair Color: Brown with highlights
Eye Color: Brown and green
Siblings names: Rachel - younger sister
Parents Names: Thomas and Lori
Hobbies: Artwork, writing, video games, thinking the things that most people don't think about

THE CRUSH SIDE
Crush: yes, but I don't know if I could tell him. It's okay, just being able to have a crush right now is a victory on my part.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend: until recently
If you could go out with anyone in the world who would it be? I couldn't tell you an exact person. Probably someone who didn't mind my oddities, would love me on my good days and my bad days, who would respect me, work with me, and be supportive of me.
When and who was your 1st crush: David. I had a crush on him from like kindergarten or first grade on.
What do you first notice about the opposite sex? eyes, smile, sense of humor
Your idea of the perfect date: sitting at home, watching a video or just having a little dinner and talking. I don't like big fancy drawn-out affairs.
How romantic are you: I love the idea of romance, but I don't expect myself or anyone else for that matter, to go into some huge thing just for love. Love is good for love's sake, and maybe that's really what romance is.
The biggest turn-on? sense of humor
Ideal girl/guy? See the entry about the person in the world who I would most like to go out with.
Sweetest thing that’s ever happened to you: Hmm, well, I remember over the summer I was having a tough time dealing with my family, I mean a really tough time, and I was staying the night at Eric's place. Instead of letting me know it made him feel uncomfortable, he just let me cry, let my sobs just boil over and out while he held me. Maybe sweet isn't the right word for that, but it was very powerful and made me feel good.

If you could go back in time, where would you go? I wouldn't, as much as I'd like to change the way some things have happened, I also don't know if maybe something bad happened to bring about something better. I mean, you can't always second-guess yourself.
Thing that you regretted after you did it: a time when I had the chance to tell an entire truth but candy-coated it.
What’d you do yesterday? Let's see, hung out with Brian and David and watched The Two Towers Extended DVD and talked.
Last person you talked to on the phone: David, I think
Last thing you said to him/her: goodbye I suppose
Last song you listened to: In the car, I listened to the RotK soundtrack.
Show that you wish would re-air: Fraggle Rock

THE FUTURE SIDE
Occupation: writer/artist or something freeform like that
Dream Car: one that runs and has high gas mileage.
Marriage: if it happens, then yay, but I'm not out looking for it.
Kids: hmm, I haven't decided how I feel about that yet
Future Sons Name: I can never think of good boys names
Future Daughters Name: Elanor
Honeymoon: someplace quiet where I can spend a lot of time with my new husband.

What are you doing tomorrow? Working, then going to school to drop off my japanese CDs, then going to David's for a super duper overnight party of fun.

THE FAVORITES SIDE

Food: I've been down with the Thai food lately
Drink: I like green tea, orange juice, and white cranberry juice
TV Show: Iron Chef
Movie: Since about an hour ago, Return of the King (so good!)
CD: that's kind of a weird question because I can just make my own CDs. So probably just one I put together for myself.
Band/Group: The Beatles
Color: Red
Actor: I don't know
Actress: ditto
Weekend Activity: when I get the chance to do something creative, that's my favorite thing to do.
Day of the Week: Saturday or Friday
Book: Lord of the Rings, The Earth's Children series
Holiday: Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Number: 69
Cookie: Ginger snap
Phrase Too Overused? "like" "fucking-a" "bitch"
Toothpaste: Crest
Ice Cream: Strawberry
Candy Bar/Candy: gummy peach rings
Teacher: Mr. Jones, my sixth grade teacher
Restaurant: Taste of Thailand
Channel: Food Network
Radio Station: I don't really listen to the radio.
Type of Music: I like basically a little of everything, except for Country western
Shampoo/Conditioner: Pantene Pro-V
Song: "White Flag" by Dido. Well, maybe calling it my favorite isn't correct, but it surely means a lot to me right now.
Music Video: "Paranoid Android" by Radiohead. Fuckin' awesome.
Sport: I like to play frisbee
Website: it used to be www.homestarrunner.com, and while I still enjoy the site, they haven't really been trying lately. Right now I'm all about www.theonering.net, link is on the sidebar
Friend: it's like trying to pick favorites from your children, it can't be done

THE “PEOPLE YOU KNOW� SIDE

Funniest: so many of my friends are funny people, but I think David is the funniest because he's unforgiving about it.
Silliest: um, to tell you the truth, I don't think anyone is just "silly"
Loudest: Jenny
Craziest: I know some pretty crazy-ass people at school
Skinniest: Abby
Best at keeping secrets: He he, if they're good at keeping secrets, I probably wouldn't know about it. I don't think that anyone should have to be a repository for lots of deep dark secrets, it can be damaging.
The one you have, but wish you didn’t: that's sort of mean
Smartest: Jill
Most innocent looking: Marni
Sweetest: umm, I don't know
Weirdest: everyone
Most hyper: Greg
Biggest pervert: me
Most annoying: I don't know
Quietest: Staci

THE “ONE OR THE OTHER� SIDE

*N Sync or BSB: *N Sync
PB or Jelly: peanut butter
Coke or Pepsi: Coke
Boxers or Briefs: Boxers
MTV or VH1: neither, they're both sort of tabloid-y lately, and I don't have time for that
Apples or Oranges: Oranges, and orange juice
Vanilla or Chocolate: I think vanilla is a more subtle flavor
Flowers or Candy: Flowers all the way
Dawson’s Creek or Felecity: I don't think I've ever watched either
Romantic Comedy or Horror: both for different reasons at different times.
Book or Magazine: book, totally.
TV or Radio: TV
Is the glass half full or half empty? Look, I drank it, now it's all empty

THE “BELIEVE IT OR NOT� SIDE

Angels: in my mind. Meaning I have fantasy creatures that I envision in art and stories, and those are sort of my version of angels.
Aliens: I'm sure there's life somewhere out there in the universe other than us.
Heaven and Hell: well, I believe that if you do good things and have a good attitude, this in turn brings good things upon you and vice-versa. I think the Christian deal with "hell" as a place was really something created to convert people and can be used as a scare tactic.
God: I like to hear about creation myths, but I don't know that I believe them.
Yourself: Lately I've had to, I'm all I've got, after all. I mean, it's unhealthy to lay all your belief in someone else while ignoring yourself.

THE “HAVE YOU EVER� SIDE

Been on a plane: yes
Cried in public: yes, just tonight at the movie in fact
Climbed a tree: yes
Fell asleep in a movie theatre: no, I try not to waste my money on boring movies.
Met a Celebrity: Yeah
Met the President: no, and I don't plan to.
Been scared to get a shot: I was when I was very young, but it doesn't bother me anymore.
Gotten a cavity: no, my teeth have never had one.
Broken a bone: no
Said I love you and meant it: oh yes, of course. I like to make that a rule
Made prank calls: no
Gone skinny dipping: nope
Skipped school: yeah, quite a bit recently
Loved someone so much it made you cry: well, under certain circumstances it seemed that way.

THE “WHICH ONE IS WORSE: SIDE
(a) sitting on a wet toilet seat or (b) finding out there is no tp
No TP

(a) kissing someone who just threw up or (b) kissing someone who just
ate Taco Bell… Taco bell isn't that bad really

(a) you don’t know how to ride a bike or (b) you don’t know how to
roller blade… Bike

(a) you lose a finger or (b) you lose a toe… Finger

(a) you eat a rotten apple or (b) you drink chunky milk..I wouldn't do either because I'm not a dumb shit

(a) watching reruns of full house or (b) watching reruns of Gilligan’s
island..They're both silly enough that it doesn't matter

FIRST THOUGHTS

Bill Clinton: good economy
Lollipops: how many licks?
Dreams: my beautiful, storylike dreams
Love: I love it ^_^
Whipped Cream: straight from the can
Boy Bands: hilarious
Guys: often complicated, often immature, but not always either.
Girls: smart
Death: the final frontier

THE “ WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE� SIDE

Dog/Cat: Cat
Blue/purple: Blue, purple is too pissy
Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla
Underwear/Bra: underwear
Pen/Pencil: mechanical pencil
Plumber/Trash man: Trash man
Ear/Eye: eyes
Rich and unhappy/poor and happy: Poor and Happy
Tall/short: medium

THE “ QUESTIONS THE DON’T MATTER, BUT I’m ASKING ANYWAYS� SIDE

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? not generally, unless I'm feeling really shitty.
Last time you showered? yesterday, today I took a bath instead
If you were a crayon, would color would you be? deep red
How many buddies do you have on your list? 55 apparently
DO you like this survey? it's alright
What is the last digits your of #? 8642
One pillow or two, cotton or feather? one cotton pillow, sometimes none (bad for neck and back)
First initial of the person you hate the most: I'm only frustrated with people right now, and I'm not giving initials out.
How long are you in the shower? maybe five or ten, I don't really pay attention.
Feelings on abortion: I would try not to put myself in a position to have one, but I can't make that choice for any other woman, they need to make it for themselves.
Is Tupac alive? no, but he sure as hell keeps releasing albums
Thoughts on Britney Spears: People get all uppity about her for no reason. Who cares? It's not worth it getting upset over someone who you'll never meet. People who like her have their reasons. People who disliker her have their reasons. It's just a mark of someone's immaturity if they tweak out over her because they think she misrepresents women and flaunts her sexuality. Men who think the model woman is someone like her who's cute and dances around and whatever aren't worth knowing, so get over it.
What does your screen name mean? I went to Spring Lake Park High School and played the Piccolo in the band
Who do you most admire? I don't know that I could pick one in particular. in general, just people who are able to say what they mean and not worry about what others think.
Right, Left, or ambidextrous? Right
What is on your mouse pad? the Dell logo
What is under your bed? my light box for tracing, a couple of other cardboard boxes for things. Probably a notebook or two.

*whew* that was long, and now I'm going to bed because I was up until 5am the night before. Peace out.

:: Jessi 12/18/2003 01:09:00 AM [+] ::
...

Whatup dawgs. I just realized that I didn't blog yesterday after my weird wild day, so I thought you might be interested or something.

Well, I was up until about 4am Monday morning working on a final paper for my Japanese literature class. I probably would have been done earlier if I hadn't been ignoring it and looking at other websites and things, but that's my own fault. That and the fact that I didn't put an away message up, so I was also talking to other people, ha ha. So anyway, by 4am I wasn't done yet, so I ended up going to sleep then, setting my alarm for 7:15, then getting back up and finishing my paper. Blah, okay, so that would have been tolerable if all I had to do was go to school, drop off my paper, and then go home, but I happened to have a Japanese test on Monday also, one for which I hadn't yet studied, so I got super duper stressed out from procrastination, and ended up messing up my stomach so much that I seriously threw up about ten minutes before I had to leave. That was crap. Well, I had also had cheesy pasta and Vanilla Coke for breakfast... I guess it's just sad because before this I hadn't thrown up since I was like 8 years old, and that's a long time.

Kay, so then I got to school, I was hungry because there was nothing in my stomach, and I couldn't remember anything that I studied. Add that to the fact that I was sitting and talking to Megan and her boyfriend Erick, and you can guess how well I was prepared to take my test. A couple of good things happened though. About ten minutes before my test, Nishikawa-sensei (the more serious one) left, so I knew I would have the less-businesslike teacher for my test, which was a relief. I didn't do my best, but I ended up not being too nervous, so it was okay. After that, I hung out with Megan and waited for Eric, who I was going to help with answers and stuff. Eric showed up, and we spent most of the time just laughing and talking before getting down to business, so I don't think it was exactly much help. but the good thing was that they were beginning to run late, so there was more time then there would have been normally to check on some final things. I chilled with a few people while that was going on, talked about various things, and I was feeling pretty good despite the bad start to my day.

After all my peeps were done with taking their test, we all went our separate ways home. I took the bus, got home, and just about collapsed because at this point I hadn't had much sleep, there was no food in my stomach, and I'd just come off a stress high. so I layed under the covers of my bed, and fell asleep to the sweet sound of food network. Then I had some dinner, Brian hung out for a while, but by 10:00pm I was seriously tired, so i made preparations to go to bed. Ended up being awake for another two hours, but oh well. I had to get up to go to work too, but that wasn't bad because I knew I'd be able to go home afterwards instead of to school.

Today, after said work, my sister and I totally went out to lunch at Applebee's. We had a good time talking and whatnot. Sometimes it's good to just get out in a different environment, I guess. My sister and I are very different people, and yet lately we've been getting along really well, so that's pretty cool, it makes me happy.

Well, I have to make sure I get to bed soon because I have to wake up for my Lord of the Rings party by like 11am. So I'll leave you all with a survey because it's just fun.

1. Your Name:
Jessi

2. What would your name be if you were an RPG character?
Josephine

3. Favorite RPG:
Geez. It's almost a toss up between Final Fantasy 6 and Earthbound. FF6 was just all-around great, with awesome music, memorable characters and particularly great gameplay and story. Earthbound wasn't the best in most things, but I think it made up for it with having a really charming and involving modern-day story, and a really great ending (you could go back to all the places you'd visited for as long as you wanted, and I just loved that so much).

4. Favorite RPG Character?
I liked Celes from FF6 and Lucca from Chrono Trigger.

5. Japanese or American RPGs? Which do you prefer:
I don't have a preference really, just as long as they're fun to play I'm fine

6. Does it annoy you when the main female character is the stereotypical healer?
It doesn't necessarily annoy me because it's become so archetypal by now that it's just accepted. Just as long as she isn't personally just a weak-ass "I can't do anything for myself" chick.

7. The Final Fantasy Series- RPG God, or Highly Overrated?
I love Final Fantasy personally, but that is far from a universal opinion. And there are good and bad games in the series, it's not overall perfect. I think they keep innovating, which is really good and keeps the series alive, but I don't always like the innovations, and that's just personal preference.

8. Final Fantasy 8- Refreshing change, or unforgivable mistake?
A lot of people really disliked this game, and I'm one of the few I know who liked it. I think that the gameplay was such a departure for people that it really pissed them off, but I think it required a lot of strategy and there was a great amount of customization that could be done for each character and particular situations. Plus I liked the story, though not necessarily all the characters. I thought Rinoa was a dinkle face but I liked that she was able to get Squall to open up at the end. And I thought the Laguna/Raine story was very romantic. When I think about it now, though, I almost feel that it was too "modernized" to feel like a true Final Fantasy game, and so I think a lot of people may have gotten a bad vibe from it.

9. Magic or Fighting?
Fighting, I'm so poor at utilizing magic.

10. Why does the main guy always carry a huge sword?
Lol, I could go into a thing about masculinity here, but I'm not gonna touch that with a ten foot pole (so to speak XD)

11. What number of party members form the ideal party?
I think three is usually a good even number. Four is also acceptable. FF4 had five-person parties, and it's so weird when I go back and play that now because there are just so many people. Maybe they thought because it was the first one on the SNES they had to go and be all like "check out how many characters we can put on the screen." Or not ^_^

12. Guns- Cool or pointless?
Does it fit with the game environment? If you're in like medieval England, than no, it would be a bad idea, but in a modern-equivalent setting, then totally acceptable.

13. What weapon would YOU equip?
Either samurai-type swords, or maybe a mace (I remember them being good in FF6)

14. Is poison really that bad of a status effect?
It isn't unless you ignore it for too long

15. Fire or Ice?
Yeah, it depends on what sort of elemental alignment your opponent has.

16. Long summons or short summons?
sometimes I really just enjoy sitting back and watching the summons, and in FF8 there was reason to go through the entire animation (so you could boost your GFs up to full power)

17. 2-D or 3-D?
Either, it depends on how it's utilized. Because I'm not so picky I can stand to play the older games too, which is nice.

18. Claude or Rena?
Never played Star Ocean

19. Is Magus really worth getting?
I really enjoyed getting him. I mean, I have a sensitivity for characters who are evil but become good. And he had kind of a wierdass childhood too.

20. Chrono Cross- Decent sequel, or crude mockery?
I own it, but it didn't have the same feel as its predecessor. I never finished it.

21. Favorite RPG Main Character?
I draw Terra/Tina from FF6 a lot, but I don't know if she's really my fave. I guess I don't have one.

22. What's your opinion on the undead?
creepy

23. Could you tell Aeris was going to die before the end of disc 1?
No, and at that time I hadn't read any spoilers either, so it was totally shocking, I think I cried

24. Are female lead characters acceptable?
Of course :)

25. Do you usually find the "secret" characters in RPGs?
Yeah, I feel like an ass if I haven't. Like I've left them out in the wilderness to fend for themselves or something, he he :D

26. Ever made your own RPG storyline?
No. The one time i tried to write a fanfic, it was just a more personal retelling of events from the game.

27. Have you ever played a fan-translated or imported RPG?
The first time I played FF5 was as a translated rom. I also played a fan translation of the Japanese FF4 because alterations had been made to the difficulty of the game when released here. I have a translated Tales of Phantasia and Seiken Densetsu 3 which I've both played a little.

28. What do you think of RPGs based off of popular anime series?
If it uses the license just to sell copies and the game is crap, then I think it's crappy, but otherwise if time is put in to make the game playable and the story pertinent to the show, then it's good.

29. Which is better, being able to see your foes before you fight them, or random encounters?
Most of the games I have are random-encounter style, so I'm pretty used to it.

30. Do you own any RPG soundtracks?
Oh hell yeah. come look at my hard drive sometime :D

31. Was Super Mario RPG a little too much?
No, I thought it was great. I still go through and play it every now and again.

32: Pokemon- Your opinion?
the first gameboy game was really fun, I don't know about any after that.

33. If you were an RPG character, what level would you be on?
this is such a weird question. I think like 20 or something :D

34. What character class would you be?
Healer or mage, since I'm so wussy at actual fighting.

35. You've just completed this survey! What do you think of the ending?
It's special, just like you!

Hella outtie.


:: Jessi 12/17/2003 04:13:00 AM [+] ::
...

Great day yesterday. I went out to lunch at Taste of Thailand with Brian after work, and it was really tasty. I had this salad with beef strips on it that were like right on the borderline of being jerky-like; they were supposed to be like that, but I had an interesting time trying to decide what technically constituted jerky or not. anyway, it was really good stuff. We had chicken satay also, damn, I wish they would sell their peanut sauce recipe, because it's so damn good, it's like, damn.

Eric IMed me tonight and asked me why girls think it's okay to google at hot guys, but when a guy says he likes Britney Spears, they roll their eyes or get really angry. It sounds sort of silly, but I think really it's a complicated issue. I mean, really what they both are is some form of objectification, and each situation is perceived differently. I dunno, I'm not sure I quite understand the whole thing either, because I don't usually get that way with people, but now that I've thought about it a little more, maybe I have some sort of answer. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that a lot of girls are insecure with themselves, especially when they're younger, and that leads to jealousy. When their boyfriend is googling some poster of a really cute movie star or something, they feel irrationally threatened by the behavior. Unless their boyfriend/husband is a jackass, he's not actually thinking of leaving his girl for a movie star, but sometimes they feel that way. And of course there are also other girls/women who look at it from kind of a skewed feminist perspective. I say "skewed" because their ideas don't always seem to go both ways. They'll get pissy about guys objectifying hot women, but then they'll turn right around and do the same thing to hot male movie stars. I mean, I think mutual objectification is okay as long as we all know where we stand, and that we don't actually feel that, in real life, the opposite sex is just something to look at and think about having sex with. I think a lot of women do that because they feel it gives them some sort of "power," and in their own mind it probably does, but it's not a kind of power that anyone is going to respect, because they aren't receiving it through respect.

Another thing is, lots of women seem to get upset about porn, saying that it victimizes women. I've seen a lot of porn, and I tend not to agree. Like, I think maybe what they're touching on is just the "sex without true love" that is pretty much what porn is all about. I hate to get pissy, but the thing about porn is that it's not real. It's not supposed to be a model for lovemaking amongst actual couples, and the problem arises when people are too retarded to be able to comprehend that. It's just meant to be exciting, a little naughty, and a way for people to live out their fantasies that they'd probably never actually want to have come true. I think the only thing dangerous about porn comes about when people aren't taught healthy sexual attitudes growing up, and their only exposure to sexual activity comes through porn, so it's the only model they have to go by, and that's more a problem of our conservative society than it is with the people who produce porn or the porn itself.

I don't know, I just don't really have a problem with either of these things, because they're not things I think are worth worrying about. I'm not gonna get all shitty if my boyfriend says he thinks some singer is cute, it's not worth it because there's absolutely no reason for me to feel threatened by it (well, unless he has a lifesize cutout of her with strategic holes drilled in it, but then that's his problem not mine XD). I mean, I'm really hot anyway, so I wouldn't have that problem in the first place :P. J/K. I also think sex and porn aren't things people need to get uppity about. I mean, and I don't mean to get all political here, but I think that a lot of the reason there are so many teen pregnancies and things like that, is that parents, and everyone around here really, are too darn nervous to have a talk to their kids about sex realistically. At the most, a lot of people just don't want to talk about it except to say "don't do it until you're married," which is really too late, and an unrealistic expectation. By then, unless you get mucho therapy or something, you're pretty set in your ways, and that includes emotional problems/ issues too. I guess in my opinion, sex is just as important to think about in a relationship as anything else when it comes to compatibility. It's important to share the same basic moral ground, to share some basic ideas about the direction of your future, but it's also important to consider what you're ideas about sexuality are, because if one party in the relationship really loves sex, but the other is apprehensive or more conservative about it, that incompatibility would tend to snowball and become a bigger obstacle towards happiness in the relationship as a whole. To a lot of people, it might seem like a petty thing, but it's really one of those things that would tend to creep up on you. I don't know, I guess that's just what I've noticed.

Anyway, I guess the lesson here is that I'm not an average girl ^_^;

So I got a couple of late birthday/ early Christmas presents over the past couple of days. I think my sister must have thought I was feeling down, so she got me a couple things at Hot Topic. They were a cute pair of underwear that fit really well, pink and black striped boy-cut briefs with a punk Hello Kitty on them, and also an iron-on patch with all five Fraggles on it, which was totally awesome :D Brian came back from school just the other day, and stopped at Mitsuwa Marketplace outside of Chicago on his way home (it's a Japanese mall-type-thing). He got me a sake set (a sake flask and four little sake cups) and a little bottle of sake. I think we're going to have a little sake sampling party at David's house on Thursday-Friday, which should be fun. Though I don't know that we'll have enough, we might have to go and buy some more ^_^ hee hee.

Wow, and only three more days until Return of the King comes out. I'm so psyched! I actually read a couple of less-than-stellar reviews of the movie today, but from what I've noticed, that opinion is strongly in the minority. I guess it's unfair to expect everyone to like something just because I like it ^_^ I guess even the movies that I'd call just plain bad have their fans too, that's the magic of having opinions, ha ha. I'm still looking forward to it. I think that morning, before we leave I'm going to have the people who are going along over and we might either watch the other two movies or just hang out and have some snacks and things before leaving. I think that'll be pretty fun, I might try to find some recipes that I can make for some dips and some little treats that we can have, since I love to cook things :D.

I'm gonna try and see if maybe I can't successfully make some sushi this winter break. I mean, not with raw fish or anything, I wouldn't trust a lot of raw fish transported into minnesota, it might not be quite fresh enough anymore -_-. But there are kinds you can make with cooked meat and vegetables and things, and I think it might be a good skill to learn. Good for what, I don't know. Maybe good for me so that I can make sushi, which is probably less money than having to buy it, ha ha.

Well, I guess that's all for now, I went on for a pretty long time, ha ha :D plus I still have to work today, and then go finish papers and study for the damn oral interview. Phooey.


You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: Jessi 12/14/2003 01:20:00 PM [+] ::
...

Just a little update before I go to bed. I feel like today was a really good day, and I think that was the case because I finally realized that there were things I was worrying about and getting angry over that just weren't worth it. Logically I think I knew this was the case a long time before, but somehow today was different, and I was able to just bust out and believe the things that everyone was telling me. So I just wanted to thank people for being there.

First, I want to thank Adam, because I think talking to him on the phone and online the past week or so has really been helpful, and I feel a lot better. Sometimes tag-team ranting really does work wonders :D

Then there's Jill, who read my huge emails and sent back her little tidbits of wisdom. Thanks for being there for me, and letting me know that things really do turn out great in the end, sometimes you just have to wait a long time ;D

I also want to thank Megan, Jessie and Joni, for inviting me places, laughing with me even when I was a crabby butt, and listening when I was tweaking out ranting and soo angry that I just wanted to flip out and kick my mom in the face while wailing on a jet red guitar... yeah... and thanks to Megan again for her email and chilling with me after Mothra, when I was totally out of sorts.

Thanks to David and Scott for being blunt about what you really thought. Sometimes the truth is sort of mean, but looking back it was really better than just hearing "oh, I'm so sorry."

I'm sure I must be forgetting some other people here. Thanks Brian for talking to me even though you were really busy with finals, and thanks Jenny for being flipping hilarious all the time. Thanks Lee for encouraging my angry side; it really can be helpful sometimes :D

And a great big special thank you to my sister, whose usage of the word "douche-knocker" made me crack up so hard that there was no way in hell that I was going to be depressed at school today :D

So anyway, thanks everyone for being my friends, for being understanding, and for listening to my side of the story.

Hell yeah, time to go to bed.
:: Jessi 12/12/2003 02:45:00 AM [+] ::
...

NEAT!
:: Jessi 12/11/2003 08:56:00 PM [+] ::
...

Grease!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Aww, how lovely.

I've had some upsetting things happen because of that last post. I wouldn't necessarily say that I regret posting it, because I don't, it's done me a lot more good than maybe people realize. But I almost regret having to make people feel how they've felt after reading it. I can't be faulted for letting the truth come out though, even though it hurts. Eric was upset, and I totally understand, but I also think he really misunderstood what I was trying to do. It wasn't a personal attack on anyone, though I said some things that could have been taken that way. *sigh* I could go on a rant now, but I'm really too tired and it wouldn't do any good. I just think that people are really good at convincing themselves of what they want to see and hear and feel, and I'm guilty of it too.

So I woke up this morning, and someone affiliated with the Lord of the Rings site I like (see link on sidebar) had done a review of Return of the King, including some minor spoilers (which I don't really consider spoilers because I've read the book anyway). Anyway, so I read it, and I was like just really moved by the review... I think. See, every time I think about the movie, I get teary-eyed, and after reading the review I was just sobbing. I think there was more going on... I stayed home from work because I was tired today, and I think maybe I was emotionally just run ragged, so that's why it happened. But it was okay. You know how after you cry you feel really calmed down? That's how I feel right now.

Not going to club tonight. I have to finish a paper by tomorrow, plus thinking about club right now is really just leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I feel like I invested a lot of heart and soul into it because Eric was a part of it, and it's just too close right now. I know I would go there and the shows and people would be funny but I wouldn't be able to laugh, so it's just better that I stay home and get my stuff done so I don't have to worry about it. Heh, I was realizing last night after talking to some people that I made the mistake of letting Eric be my only social link. I mean, yes, I hung out with other people, but they were all through him, not people I'd met on my own. So I had other things invested in him rather than just my love, and it became all the more tragic because my SLP friends were gone and I didn't have any separate friends at the U to fall back in with. I've rapidly been trying to remedy that though. I went out dinner with a couple people from my film class, and then yesterday morning, I went to brunch with Megan and Jessie, and we talked and I got a chance to rant, and it's nice feeling like there are people who can understand you and validate your feelings. Megan sent me a really kind email last night, and I really felt like I wasn't the only one having such a crappy time. I mean, logically you know that you're not the only depressed person in the world, but sometimes things can feel really tragically lonely in spite of this. Well, so I'm happy that I actually do have some other people to talk to now.

Here's a funny link that I remembered I had because I found it for someone online:

Funny-ass shit

I'll write more if I finish my damn paper later -_-;
:: Jessi 12/11/2003 11:25:00 AM [+] ::
...

*Just this once, I'm writing totally for myself, unedited. Just gonna air my dirty laundry so it won't haunt me anymore. So if you read about yourself here, just realize that I'm not insulting you, but that sometimes I have to force my intentions to go against the really negative feelings I sometimes have.

Doing homework early this morning, but my brain wouldn't let me think straight, so I thought I would just write a little and get it all out.

So it's been two weeks ago now, such a short time and yet so long ago. I said when it happened that I wouldn't feel used, but it was a promise I couldn't keep. I mean, used is really the perfect word for it, you know? I was used for what I was useful for, and then, over the next couple of days, I was crumpled up and thrown in the garbage, a hole with nothing in it. If I hadn't participated in it, If I'd said "no," then maybe things would be easier for me to handle in spite of how quickly they all happened. If I had abstained from euphoria, maybe sorrow wouldn't have been such a big deal. Now I just kind of feel like a whore... no, that's not really the right word, is it? In any case, it's a very stigmatizing feeling. I didn't tell anyone this at the time, but I thought about killing myself. And not for just a split second either, I pondered it enough that I'm frightened to remember right now. The lowness of the lows I was feeling were absolutely terrifying to me, and they are even moreso now that I look back on them.

I wonder if they say things about me? I wonder what his friends think of me? I wonder what he's told her? In his blog, I was "said person" and "you-know-who", not a name. I wonder why. Was it out of spite? Was it shame? Hatred? Apathy? Maybe all of these and maybe none. I feel like maybe they pity me.

I stepped out from the shower this morning, and gazed at my naked body in the mirror, and really felt that I was beautiful. But when I looked myself straight in the eyes, I could see these layers of sadness. It was like something you'd see written in a novel about the tragic heroine, how she smiled, but all the tragedy she'd ever experienced was still reflected in the deep pools of her eyes. I remember one time a long time ago, when Marni emailed one of those email survey things, and one of the questions was "who is your saddest friend," and she put me. I wondered at the time if she was serious, but now that I think about it, it's true. I feel happiness and joy, but it's always tinged with sadness. And now I'm sitting her at home crying about it, how appropriate. I just want to feel unchained happiness for once. I guess that's something I can't rely on anyone to provide me, I'll have to figure it out on my own.
:: Jessi 12/10/2003 08:40:00 AM [+] ::
...

ooh, I find that it is time to blog again. I really ought to be working on papers, but I find that I work best at the last minute. That and I don't have any sources left, he he.

So what's new in my tales of drama? Well, nothing too dramatic actually. I talked with Eric a little online last night, and made some crack offhand that Stef must not like me very much. He replied that she was actually sort of afraid that I disliked her, which isn't the case at all. Like I've said numerous times before, if this had happened even a year and a half ago, I would have seriously just allowed myself to hate both of their guts, and right now I'd just be wallowing in my own self pity. But as things stand now, I don't hate either of them. That doesn't mean that I'm not still upset, because I am; for a while I just felt like garbage tossed to the wayside, and I feel "given up" on, but that really isn't the point anymore. I don't hate either of them, and I am merely "wading" in self-pity now (as opposed to wallowing in it) :D j/k. So anyway, I wrote her an email explaining my side of things, assuring her that she wasn't hated and that I still liked her, and I seemed to have made her fell a lot better, so that makes me feel kind of good inside. I was up until 2am writing it, and I think it was because I was so afraid of writing something that could be misconstrued as "bitchy" which is not how I intend to come across. So I left out some of the things that I really wanted to say, but maybe it doesn't really matter if I say them or not. In fact, it's probably better that I just mind my own business and let things just go along like they should. I tried to tell Eric my opinion about something specific last night, and I realized that it was a mistake. I felt sort of like how a parent must feel, like I wanted to tell him something that I thought would save him from experiencing future strife, but in the end, people just need to learn from their own experiences to make the lessons mean something to them. So I'm just going to quit playing "mom" and try to be a good friend.

I've decided that I'm not going to let things be awkward either, because that's just lame. For the last week I've been doing the "sulking depressingly in the corner" thing, but that's just sort of crappy because it makes me look lame, and so I feel lame. Today, I hung with Joni and Megan before class, and so I didn't feel so lonely in the first place, plus I made sure to be friendly to both Eric and Stef. This was sort of difficult, because my head is just still spinning from the whole thing, but I figure I ought to make the first step so that at least class next semester isn't a total crap-fest. I think things will be fine by then.

I was talking to David last night, and he told me about some girl who had a crush on him. He didn't necessarily return her feelings, but I got the impression that it was nice to have a fan. I think what I need is a fan, maybe not someone who I'd date, but someone letting me know I still "have it." That would be really nice right now.

So Marni posted a quiz ^_^ I love these:

1) What's the middle name of first person you slept with?
Starts with an "R"

2) What kind of underwear are you wearing, and what color are they?
Some 4th of July-themed ones from Old Navy

3) What song do you want played at your funeral?
Track 4 of the Return of the King soundtrack, "The White Tree". Not really funeral-esque, but it's very heroic sounding.

4) What is the number of your sluttiest friend so that some of your single friends can get some action?
I don't really have a slutty friend

5) What would your last meal be before being executed?
Chinese Buffet :)

6) Beatles or Stones?
Beatles.

7) If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?
someone who wanted to die

8) The person whose problems you wouldn't want to hear?
Michael Jackson

9) What is the thing most important to you about the preferred sex?
Honesty, good sense of humor, willingness to work at things and talk things out, tolerance

10) Do you secretly hate some of your friends but are too nice to reject them?
no, then they wouldn't be my friends.

11) If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Flight. My fantasy since early childhood has been to have angel wings.

12) Favorite hangover cure?
never had one

13) How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
I don't know, really. I had a lot at my friend's wedding, but even then I was just tipsy.

14) Favorite Outkast lyric?
If what they say is "Nothing is forever".
Then what makes, then what makes, then what makes
then what makes, then what makes Love an exception?

15) Hair color you most like someone you're dating to have?
It's not one of those things I have preferences about, really.

16) If you had to be blind or deaf, which would you choose?
I hate this question, because I'm both a visual artist, and I also like music, so I don't think I could live without either of them. Maybe if each were just half gone, then they would still be fixable (eye surgery for partial blindness, hearing aid for partial hearing-loss).

17) Do you have any psychiatric problems?
Yeah, but I'm working on it. My list? Low self-esteem, jealousy issues (from low self-esteem), depression (undiagnosed).

18) Siblings that should go to rehab?
My sister's pretty crazy, but I don't think she needs rehab

19) Least favorite month?
October. It's about that time that people start to get depressed, and that triggers all sorts of bad shit.

20) Favorite hateful thing to do to somebody?
Talk about them behind their back. Passive Aggressive (should add that to above list)

21) First movie you remember seeing as a kid?
Follow That Bird

22) Favorite person in the whole world?
David

23) When's the last time you went on a date?
it's been a while

24) Do you like violent movies or dirty movies?
Dirty

25) Fall or spring?
Fall for colors, spring for emotional stuff.

26) Person you most wish you hadn't made out with?
I can't say I disliked making out with anyone

27) If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with?
I would totally do Yuna from FFX and FFX-2

28) Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle?
Someplace with a nice view, close to a metro area.

29) Who is the person you can count on the most?
David

30) If you could date any celebrity, past or present, time and age are not a factor. Who would it be?
Johnny Depp. It's such a copout answer, but he's so gosh darn interesting

31) What books have you pretended to read?
some books for class in like sixth grade

32) What's a word you'd use to describe your life?
mental

33) What's your favorite drinking game?
Spoons. Oh wait, last time I played that I almost drowned from the inside!:P

34) What did you dream about last night?
My dreams have been really fragmented lately, so I only remember weird feelings and such.

35) Favorite vice?
shrimp chips

36) What's the last thing you'd ever tell someone?
you're ugly and I hate you.

---------------------------------------------------

I promise I'll do a review of Mario Kart: Double Dash as soon as finals are over and things settle down, I promise!
:: Jessi 12/10/2003 01:12:00 AM [+] ::
...

I am beginning to think that I am, in fact, a psychic. Remember back when I was talking about the formation of the "EBAclub?" Well, here's a little reminder from a month-and-a-half or so ago:

I guess my feeling was that I longed to be part of something new, that if this new "club" turned out to be something enduring, I would be able to look back and say, "wow, I was part of that." I guess I have this thing in my ego that really wants to leave a legacy, to have something of my own, and to be accepted. Now if I don't get to go this semester, and start going, say, next semester, I'll forever be the "newbie". I'll never belong to that exclusive group that started things. It might sound cliche, but it's like being trapped on the outside watching everyone else bond together.

I added that emphasis to point out the fact that the highlighted portion is very, very true. I don't mean any of this to hurt anyone, but it's hard enough when you hear just exactly how much fun people are having, and how happy they are while doing something that you're not a part of and now can never be a part of, but it's harder when you think that the formation of something that you were so gung-ho about in the beginning has been a contributor to what one might consider to be a "theft". And I'm not going to explain that to you. I mean, I've basically made peace with the main cause of my problems, but it still bothers me to think that, at least outwardly, I've been the only one suffering here, that I've had to muddle through what I would call some incredibly complex emotional conundrums while maybe someone else has been able to thrust them aside...

But then I begin to think, maybe I have the advantage of actually having dealt with these things now, rather than later. For example (you just knew I had one, didn't you ;D) I've done some crummy things to people in the recent past, most notably in this case, dumping someone back in January so that I would be free to pursue my newly-developing feelings for Eric. In this particular case, I was fairly certain my relationship was going nowhere, because there was tons of evidence letting me know this, but I could also very well have been taking a huge risk. What if my feelings for Eric had been just a very strong infatuation? What if my current relationship was just going through a low period (This wasn't the case, but I'm sure others have made the mistake, I know I have)? I had not thought about any of this. I guess my point is, I ended up really hurting someone, I ended up treating him like crap, and I barely had a second thought about it until recently, because for a very, very long time, I was so happy that I didn't have to let myself feel those feelings of regret or remorse. It wasn't until recently, when that was all stripped away, that I'd realized how much of an ass I'd been. I felt so bad about it that I wrote him an apology a couple of days ago, telling him exactly why everything went down the way it did, and making peace with that has made me, well, if not happy with how I handled things with him, at least relieved that I could close that book. Anway, I guess my large all-encompassing lesson/theory/whatever is this: Think about what you're doing. Know exactly how you feel before you hurt someone, be able to tell them what you're doing and why, be able to give a straight answer (rather than something very generalized so that the other party has to speculate and worry afterward). Try to understand what the other person is going through. Be kind to them as long as you can muster (sometimes things just won't come out pretty, and there is a limit to how nice one person can be). A little sympathy and a kind word or two can make all the difference. Be careful about what you do, because you could be carrying baggage that you don't know about, and even though you have feelings for someone, you might hurt them and cause irreparable damage because you haven't dealt with your problems yet. Because there were issues with this person I dumped where I didn't feel that I was interesting enough as a woman, I had these stupid insecurities that I never dealt with, and it just came out as jealousy, clingyness and low self-esteem. It's too bad that I realize this now instead of six or eight months ago, but at least I'll save someone in the future from having to deal with it. So I'm at least happy for that.

In other news, only one more week of this semester left. I'm at once both relieved and a little sad. I'll miss the group I had in Japanese class, both the good people and the bad. It was fun.

well, I think I've probably rambled for long enough, so I'll end this so I can do my homework and stuff, he he. Laterz.
:: Jessi 12/08/2003 11:39:00 AM [+] ::
...

Another quiz, but this one was just too cute to pass up:

You are Mihama Chiyo!


Which Azumanga Daioh Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I did a difficult thing today. It was difficult, but I feel I did the right thing. I had an inkling that Eric and Stef were getting pretty close, so I just told Eric tonight that he had my blessing, and that I would be happy for them and they shouldn't think of me as an obstacle. Yes, it was a difficult thing, but now I can move on. They are both my friends, and I want them to be happy, and if that means together, then that's how it goes.
:: Jessi 12/07/2003 01:26:00 AM [+] ::
...

Oh Great...





What lesser-known Simpsons character are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.



:: Jessi 12/05/2003 12:24:00 PM [+] ::
...

I must have had some sort of interesting dream last night... It's like right now I can only remember tiny snippets of it, but I feel like it was something I should feel uncomfortable about...

Oh wait! I remember it now, it was so weird. There was something about finding or living with or being from a very ancient tribe of people, one with very ancient traditions not unlike those in Jean M. Auel's "Earth's Children" novels. I remember coming to campus as a student/member of this tribe, and being put off by some guy (who could have very well been Eric, but I no longer have a crystal clear picture of who he looked like) because I wasn't wearing a piece of ornamental clothing on my head that normally women of the tribe wore. So I rushed around the building to try and find one to wear, and I seem to remember something about finding a baseball cap, and that it was good enough for him.

I don't really know how to interpret this. I seriously don't.
:: Jessi 12/05/2003 11:44:00 AM [+] ::
...

Crap, I didn't realize how late it was. Well, I can whip off something really quick-like to satisfy you hungry blog-readers. Let's see, after dinner I played a little Mario Brothers, and then I talked online for a bit with Adam Beltz, who then decided I was too fast of a typist for him so we talked on the phone for a while. I didn't realize it before, but I think both he and I just needed an all-out vent session (he went through a breakup fairly recently as well). So it was all good, and I think we both feel better now. Well, I know that I feel a lot better, anyway.

Seems things have been going my way today. Now I just have to try and figure out how to get my stomach to be not-upset... yar.
:: Jessi 12/05/2003 12:47:00 AM [+] ::
...

Updated the links on my sidebar for once. I haven't been to Oekaki Central in months and The Artcorner hasn't updated since the end of July so I deleted them both, plus I added some friends and stuff, so yeah, that's all for the time being. Might write some more after dinner, stay tuned :)
:: Jessi 12/04/2003 05:58:00 PM [+] ::
...

Just a quick message. I posted a piece of writing to my Deviant Art account this morning. If you've known me for any length of time then you've probably read it before, it's called "Being" and it's just sort of my way that I helped myself deal with a breakup way back when, and also how I helped deal with the loneliness when all my friends were on the Europe trip without me. I found it especially comforting to bring out and read, and I printed out a copy to take with me to school so that I could maybe edit it a little. I may not be the best writer, but I have learned a few things since high school. So if you haven't seen it, go ahead and take a look. A friend of mine earlier told me that it was beautiful, and that made me feel pretty good. Anyway, I'll maybe write some more after I get home from class.
:: Jessi 12/03/2003 01:26:00 PM [+] ::
...

I got up this morning, and I felt really sick, so I called in to work so that I might be able to survive the school day. So I decided that maybe this is a good time to write about what happened to me lately. It's funny, now that I'm writing, the only thing that's coming to mind is the passive tense, something we learned about this semester in Japanese. You know, phrasing something like "I had my heart broken by a guy" rather than just "A guy broke my heart."

In fact, I knew that this was going to happen. You know how sometimes you have this gut feeling, but you just ignore it because you feel like you might be dooming yourself to something? Months ago, I felt that I was so happy, that something had to go wrong eventually. I chalked this up to poor confidence in myself, and that very well could be what the problem was. Every time there was an argument, I would get so privately frustrated that I would wonder to myself, "Is this worth it?" And yet I always tried again, in spite of it. I can only think that it was worth it to me. I'm sad that neither of us said all of what was on our minds, because then it really may have been worth it.

I think maybe the saddest thing about all this is that we didn't meet after we had all our shit sorted out. We are both fun, smart people, and yet we both still have our issues and I think those issues, not the least of which is probably some sort of immaturity, kind of killed things. I think if either of us had the foresight to work on ourselves as we were loving each other, then maybe uncertainty and discontent wouldn't have crept in and settled. It's shitty to think that things deteriorated that way.

Man, yesterday was a pile of crap. It's one thing to come off of a night of talking with my sister about how crappy our family is, but then to come to school and have someone you care about pull that "I'm going to ignore you and not sit by you in class because I don't want to face you," middle school bullshit is too much to take. That kind of stuff just drives me up the wall. And yet I don't have the emotional energy to get all-out angry. If I could make myself just hate his guts, things would be so much simpler, but I don't hate him. I told him that I think there's a salvageable friendship in all this, and I think there is, so my mind isn't going to burn any bridges. We just need time apart, time to grow up maybe.

I don't really know what I'm going to do now. I mean, in terms of all the free time I'll have. I told David last night that it's so easy to get comfortable in a routine, and I was really comfortable in ours. I suppose I can get done with my final papers early, but then what? I'm not even looking forward to seeing Lord of the Rings very much right now, and that frightens me. I also ordered one extra ticket the other day when I ordered them... I hope I can find someone else to fill that spot. Jessie invited me to see Kill Bill with her on Friday too, I hope I feel up to that.

I wish these things weren't so complicated, or I wish that I didn't make them become so complicated. People with so much in common should just get along, shouldn't they?

I could post some depressed song lyrics here, or write some whiney poetry, but instead I'll take the high road and just thank everyone who supports me, and let them know that I'll be okay. Eventually the hole will fill in with flowers.
:: Jessi 12/02/2003 12:27:00 PM [+] ::
...